progression and regression.

we were given a assignment today,a bookcover,b/w and colour on ''the 4 seasons''...when asked by the tutor for ideas one fellow artist said: ''progression and regression''
...and I thought :thats all that everything is.
To put a cliche statement to use: ''all things must come to an end''
...I think I'm making ''progress'' in my life when im really just running towards my own personal regression.
How depressing right?...but I can't just let it go out of my thoughts.
I have started college in art and design because I thought it is something that I can use to spiritually enlighten myself...but all thats involved is ''progress''...learning and progression,learning and progression...learning for what?
I cant help but wonder is the person who stands before me and ''guides'' me through the lesson ,any wiser than I?
I feel bursting with emotion, If I close my eyes I can imagine my body sproating with a waterfall of colours engulfing anyone near me with positivity, But when I open them again the only thing that has changed is time...time pushing us forward to our final defeat.
so what is worthwhile? is it making connections with people? How can I do that?
it's not easy for anyone but It's certainly not easy for someone who has aspergers syndrome...I wish I could just say ''I have asspergers'' but without a diagnosis,I do not have the confidence ,and It would prevent from making a real connection!
when sitting on the bus I heard a song by robbie williams that really struck me.
robbie williams~feel
''Come on hold my hand,
I wanna contact the living.
Not sure I understand,
This role I've been given.''...
...''I just wanna feel real love,
...'cause I got too much life,
Running through my veins, going to waste.''
I used to wish I was normal,you know? like everybody else..but then I realised I would feel different...so I cant win eithier way!
I thought that spiritual enlightenment would be enough to live for...but I think that I might have been mistaken...I dont know...I feel disorientated...is up ,down?is down ,up?do I keep going on with my fastening pace of regression?
I go out on the weekends and watch the NTS drunk ,dancing and jumping and socializing...and I cant switch off my mind...I'm forever stuck inside the prison cell of my brain cells...People put my ''loner'' ways to ''being drunk/tipsy''...but I'm just stuck inside here...trying to make the vital connection...vital because without it i lose all my will to live...there I said it :''I got too much life running through my viens going to waste,I dont wanna die but im not keen on living either''...
I guess this is a depressed day in the life of an aspie.hopefully It will get better tommorow...
this is MP signing off...